"The selves they last were"

I highlighted this and have no memory of highlighting it.

"... but I ceased being sad about it when I realized the saddest people I knew had the most precise recall. They tend unwillingly toward trauma and grievance, too knowledgeable about the selves they last were, trapped in scenes of conflict they can too well reconstruct. Whereas I constantly stumble upon passages of this very manuscript I have no memory of writing, and think: Delightful! I've escaped."

— Kerry Howley, Bottoms Up and the Devil Laughs

The photo is of a photo I took of Death Valley, almost exactly six years ago. I was midway through a month of self-imposed isolation in Downtown Las Vegas, working on the proposal for what became A Woman Is Against the Law. An election rudely interrupted the first week, then there was a week-long drive through the Mojave. I cleared my head. I worked backwards from the wall of post-it's, pulling them down as I got them into the document, or cast them off.

I found a few of them yesterday, stuck to a folder.

On Thanksgiving, I ordered a pumpkin pie to be delivered and watched Joan Crawford in Rain and was lonely and productive.

In my memory of this photo, my thumb is more in focus.

I finished the book proposal in December 2020. It was high, early Covid, and I had stopped having half-moons painted on my nails. I would have had no idea what 2024 would look like.

Will I remember any of this limbo feeling, or will I be relieved to not remember any of this part?

Working on a section involving the presidential election of 1876